Gaslighting

He douses you in gasoline

And blames you when you catch fire

His words cut deep

And he blames you when you bleed 

His tone is condescending 

And he blames you for not understanding 

You explode into a million pieces

And he blames you for not keeping your cool

You bite your tongue and walk away

And he calls you childish 

Screaming on the Inside

I want to scream

but who would hear me 

My world spinning out of control 

and no one sees it coming 

the thoughts running rampant 

a jumbled mess of contradictions 

I want to scream 

but I sit in silence 

Run Girl

Listen to your feet hit the pavement 

Focus on your breathing

Wipe the sweat from your brow

Feel the burn

Post while running

Get it done

PEMDAS

Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally, for she knows not what she does
She orders around the operations, from left to right just because
Please comes first, as it always should
Excuse is next, if you would
My dear can be dear my, Aunt Sally can be Sally Aunt
But never Aunt Sally before my dear, no you really can't
Follow her rules and you won't be mistaken for a jester or a fool
It's a simple problem really when you use the PEMDAS tool
So please excuse my dear Aunt Sally, or dear my Sally Aunt, if you must
And never go wrong, at least not in math, when in the rules you trust

The Cycle Continues

You make your list
Mulling over all the things you need to get done
An overwhelming sense of urgency washes over you
But you are mostly just overwhelmed
You look around at the mess
The pile of bills that need to be paid
The dishes that need to be washed
The laundry waiting to be folded
The mail without a stamp
You stand paralyzed by the neverending battle
You look back down at your list
No idea where to begin
So you don't
You distance yourself from the mess
Nothing gets crossed off the list
Procrastination wins
And the cycle begins again

Writing Prompt: Coffee

My hands wrap around my favorite mug

The frothy swirls on top draw me in

My lips await the warmth of this daily indulgence

My senses awaken with that first sip

The morning fills with heavenly thoughts as I find my way to the bottom of the cup

I am now ready to conquer another day

Where To Go

This road of comfort
Predictability
Convenience
Path of least resistance
The easy way
Simple
Safe
Feels all wrong
Don't know where to go
Forward
Back
Towards the unknown
Heart weighed down
Lost
Broken
Trying to find what's right
Thoughts running wild
Trapped
Free
The damage too severe

Unknown

The future is a scary place
You never know what you will to find there
You get caught up in your every day
Forgetting that tomorrow is just around the corner
Somehow it still sneaks up on you
It catches you off guard

You never think about your world changing
Until it changes before your eyes
Left with a cloud of dust in your path
Trying to see the light at the other end of the tunnel
There is nothing but the unknown ahead

Fraught with worry you find a way to dredge on
Taking it one step at a time
One foot in front of the other
Until the unknown becomes your every day

Yesterday feels like a distant memory
Tomorrow a long lost friend
Until it becomes the unknown once again

You never take your eyes off that light, though
You continue to move forward with unfaltered resilience

The unknown cannot compete with your strength

A Losing Battle

tangled up in a web of deceit
feeling confused
lost
trapped
emotions getting the better of me
pulling me further away from reality
trying so hard to hold on
my grasp slipping
my stomach twisting
my head reeling
everything feels so wrong
crashing
burning
losing me

Holding On to Thin Air

The silence is deafening
It leaves my mind racing
Nothing to hold on to
Grasping at thin air
Trying to hold my head high
Pretending I am not in pain
With a smile on my face
With tears in my eyes
I pick up the pieces
Being the woman everyone needs me to be
But I still need you

Operation Love

The easiest thing I've ever done is fall in love with you
Simple, unquestioned, raw emotion
Reality breaks through, complicating things
I watch you walk out that door
You look back for a moment
And even as my heart breaks, I know I would do it all over again

Untitled

You say the right things

You make me smile

Life before you was just okay

But with you,

I breathe a little deeper

I love a little longer

I see a little clearer

You brighten the night

You unbreak my heart

Being with you is easy

Insanity

stuck

screaming

can't break free

I need a release

love

lust

no worries

no expectations

truth

lies

Where am I going?

no where

I am stuck

I am screaming

I can't break free

insanity

Everyday Hero

hold my hand

crush my fears

touch my cheek

hide my tears

accept my flaws

treat me right

say you love me

save my life

Back to Square One

Something isn't right

My world has shifted

Everything that was

Cannot be found

Time stands still

My heart aches

What happened to us

Is haunting me

The past is repeated

My trust broken

Hurting again

Words cannot express

Seeing, Believing, Denying

I saw what I saw

I see what I see

The truth is not good enough for me

I know you are weak

I wish I were blind

cause my heart can't take another lie

so I live in denial

I prefer ignorant bliss

just wish you thought I was better than this

September 11th 2001 - Crystal Grey

This was a poem written by another military wife. While my words failed me, she came up with this.

Two towers came crashing down

Four planes hit the ground

Heroes fought

but Lives were Lost

They wanted to destroy us. They wanted us to go away.

But we are here to stay! We will not go away!

We will never forget that day!

You're Scared - Written in Jr High

This was written prior to me moving from Massachusetts to Ohio in 1995

I know the reason you broke up with me

You were scared our love again could be

You're afraid of getting hurt on the day

The day I have to move away

You're scared to lose me forever

You don't want to be hurt by me, not ever

The only thing you could possibly do

Was to hurt me, so it wasn't you

So you turned around and left me

Now I think I finally see

You didn't really want or love me

You just went and used me

But I understand and I see

You did it to make me happy

So Pathetic

As I am going through my binder of old poetry, I realize just how pathetic I really was. HA! I wrote the cheesiest, sappiest, most ridiculous poems for the most random things. Mostly they were written about getting dumped by my boyfriend of the week or about how in love I was with said boyfriend of the week.

That makes me sound bad! I know! Really, though, they were all about boyfriends and break ups and moving. And in all honesty, they were mostly about the same few boyfriends... the important ones. The ones I actually remember now and talk to still.

However, there are a few about boyfriends that I don't even remember any more and they make me sound like a pathetic lost puppy dog. I must have put my mother through hell in my awkward, love-centric, I am going to die if you don't love me tween & teenage years. And how ironic that now I am putting the rest of the world through those same years with this blog.

I hope if nothing else you can at least get a kick out of the silliness that I wrote down on paper. The ridiculousness that spewed from my foolish love sick heart. I know I will!

What Did I Do Today?

I found this here while browsing the web (I did not write this but it is oh so true for so many of us that I had to share)

Today I left some dishes dirty,
The bed got made around 3:30.
The diapers soaked a little longer,
The odor grew a little stronger.
The crumbs I spilled the day before
Are staring at me from the floor.
The fingerprints there on the wall
Will likely be there still next fall.
The dirty streaks on those windowpanes
Will still be there next time it rains.
Shame on you, you sit and say,
Just what did you do today?

I held a baby till she slept,
I held a toddler while she wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.
I pulled a wagon, sang a song,
Taught a child right from wrong.
What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess that's true.
Unless you think that what I've done,
Might be important to someone
With deep blue eyes and soft blonde hair,
If that is true...I've done my share

Work Randomness - 1998

Written when I was working at Showcase Maumee

First there's Sparky, also known as McQueen
He's quite a hottie and one of the nicest I've seen
Then there is Scooby, this is Mr. Lewis
He's definitely wacky, but he's not Jewish
We now come to G, can you guess who this is?
He's the nice big guy, but not who I want to kiss
And then we've got Coolio, his real name is Eric Moore
Who wants a piece of that? You can forever scream "more"
Finally we've got Chuckie, the big LoL Mr. Pachin
He's always laughing at someone, I wonder who he's chasin'
There are more managers but I am lost on nicknames
Someone help me out here, I want to play some games

Why

Written sometime in jr high

Another night I go to bed crying
Another day I wake up trying
Trying to get your love for me
Why won't you fulfill my fantasy?

I sit here and wonder, why, oh why
What did I do to make you say goodbye?
I don't understand the way you think
It didn't help going to that shrink

Another night I'll go to bed and cry
Another day I'll wake up and try
But why do I waste my time on you?
You'll never make my dreams come true

Teddy Bear - 1995

Oh, Teddy Bear, dear Teddy
Though you've been gone these many years
I recall with deep affection
How you blew into my ears
I can hardly keep from frowning
As my heart beats really fast
When I think about that afternoon
Your love for me had passed

Teddy Bear, you didn't whimper
And of course you didn't pout
When you to reached to give me that note
I knew then you had no doubt
And you didn't even mumble
Or emit the faintest cries
You didn't even have despair
As the tears filled up my eyes

Yes, you sat across their calmly
And you didn't once protest
When you ripped apart my heart
You knew I was depressed
And yet you didn't even notice
When your eyes in which I stare
It's been ages since you loved me
How I miss you, Teddy Bear

My Romeo - 1995

You dream of love so everlasting
Just open your eyes
I can love you just like that
I do hear your cries

You have got what I need
I wish I were loved by you
To have your love is enough for me
I wish my dreams would come true

At once I believed in dreams
I thought that they could come true
But I guess I was wrong
Cause I'm still living without you

One more thing I have to say
And I never want you to forget
I would die for you
Cause you're my Romeo and I'm your Juliet

Trapped In My Heart - 1995

Written in junior high, as most of my poetry was

Trapped in my heart, I just wanna die
Trapped in my heart, you can see why
Trapped in my heart, I love you so
Trapped in my heart, you will always know
Trapped in my heart, not a day goes by
Trapped in my heart, I always cry
If you weren't trapped in my heart, what would I do
If you weren't trapped in my heart, I wouldn't love you

A Vow of Love

Written in 1995

I always wondered what it would be like without you every day
Now I know I am moving, so the night I cry away
When I'm gone I know I will lose you forever more
The tears will be much, much worse than the tears I cried before
You say you'll always be there for me and I hope that this is true
For the affection deep inside my heart only cares for you
My love couldn't be so strong for anyone else you see
I thought you were the only one that really cared for me
In conclusion of my very continuous vow
I'd like to say my love for you is forever, and especially now

In the Past

I used to write poetry all the time... which is the main reason I started this blog. I just couldn't get the words to flow anymore so I quit. Oh look at that... something else I quit. (Not sure what I am talking about? Take a look at my other blog, Such Is My Life.)

Anyway, I created this blog so that I could come here and post all my old poetry with hopes of reopening that part of my brain that could write like the wind. I swear, anytime of day I could pull out a pen and paper and write. It could've been about heartache, my kids, my friends, the boys playing in the street... it didn't matter. I could write about it.

Not so much anymore, but that's ok. I still have a lot of amateur poetry that I can share with the world. Stuff I wrote from age 12 to age 28 (that is if I actually wrote anything this year haha). And right now, I am ok with that. I do not have expectations for being able to write like that again, but if I do. It would be nice.

You're Not You by Lexi

I found this when cleaning the basement... it is actually a song that she wrote (not her first, either) but I thought what better place than here to share it :)

I'm sitting in my room being myself... yeah yeah
I'm getting ready to see you tonight but
You're not you today
You're not you tonight
I can't believe what you've done to yourself
You're not you
No No No
No you're not you
Oh yeah, you're not you

Finding My Way

*Another that transpired from my brainstorming for a story

The door stood cracked
The light was dim
Unsure of what I was doing, I stood frozen
I felt trapped, something was in my way
My heart raced inside my chest
My breathing staggered
My hand trembled as I reached for the door
That's when I saw you
The door creaked, catching your attention
My breath now trapped inside as your eyes met mine
You smiled and I let it out
You have always been there waiting for me
I just had to find my way back in

The Wrath of Five

*I wrote this a couple weeks ago when I was stressed out about the kids and them breaking/ruining things

Hands like fire
Everything they touch incinerated
Strength beyond their knowledge
Even concrete turns to dust
Water is not safe
A sticky film, their secret weapon
Glass cracks, wood snaps
Toes like magnets
No defense against this unrelenting force

Untitled

*This is one of my poems that came out of me brainstorming new story ideas. Seems I am better at the poetry version, rather than the novel version :)

The rain pours down onto the empty streets
The reflection of the hotel vacancy sign has an eerie feel
I sit by the window, knees to my chest
My heart thumps cautiously
He hasn't come back yet
He promised to always be here
Now I am left all alone
My tears matching the rain

Waiting

*I was sitting in my new dr's office a few weeks ago when I wrote this

The air conditioning is blowing yet the temperature outside is chilly
The tv is off making the a/c all that much louder
Click, clack typing from behind the window
The occasional shifting of a waiting patient
Nonchalant conversations of employees with nothing to do
We just wait
45 minutes past my appointment time and 1 am running out of words to occupy me
The doors open and close but no one is called back
Wondering if picking a doctor based on his name alone was a wise choice
So far - not impressed
I don't think I ever waited this long in the Army clinic
The plastic bag louder than the a/c
4 people still waiting
No chance of errands without kids
No idea if I will get home before he has to leave again
I hate waiting...

As Clear as Mud

As bright as day
As dark as night
Opposites that become one

The signs all around
No signs at all
Opposites that become one

Good friend today
Bad friend tomorrow
Opposites that become one

Breathing today
Tomorrow unknown
Opposites that become one

Headaches Suck

Headache, headache
Go AWAY!
Don't come back
Any other day!

The Work Week

Monday dragged on like a legal brief
Tuesday was a crazy day
Wednesday didn't have enough hours
Thursday was a lazy day
Friday brought with it plenty of relief

The Misunderstanding

I opened his mail...
It was from another woman

She signed with a heart...
Does it mean something more?

Her words ringing in my head...
What is going on here?

This is unacceptable...
Why can't she just mind her own business?

Untitled

Small talk is too small
The words feel so insignificant
My heart aches with memories of the past

When friends could joke
We would laugh all night long
Making each other smile was so simple

Those times are rare now
Few and far between
But when they happen, they are so good

You always did know how to make me smile

Memories by Jennifer Graham

I found this hidden way inside the curio cabinet where I keep everything Abrielle related. The only thing missing is the real pictures of her from the hospital that somehow got lost between a bad breakup and moving on with our lives.

They say memories are golden,
Well maybe that is true;
But we never wanted memories,
We only wanted you.

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a special place
No one else could ever fill.

If tears could build a staircase,
And heartache build a land,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Abrielle

I wrote this poem in 1999 after losing my daughter at 26wks pregnant

Even though I never met you
You were still a part of my life
I loved you more than anything
You were the most important thing to me
You were with me when no one else was
You listened whenever I needed to talk
And I never got to hear you cry
And I never got to see you smile
But even though I didn't know you
I'm still going to miss you very much
And I'll still love you with all of my heart